Power of thoughts

I've spent a lot of time lately thinking about thinking - I kind of have to. I'm remarkably unattuned to my own thoughts, I'm realizing - I have spent many years saying things both to myself and others that I don't actually agree with, which is a weird thing to say, but is true. In the moment I will believe what I say to be true, but I'm not really thinking about it. I'm just kind of saying it. I actually find it remarkably hard to focus on my own thoughts. They are very... wavy, I guess is how I would describe it. They come and go, in and out, changing subjects at the drop of a hat. They will focus in on singular words and sentences and discard everything surrounding them. And, I am sure, I think many things that never make it past my subconscious, which is where a lot of my problems come from.

As of late, my thoughts have begun to have some pretty extreme effects on my physical body. Mental discomfort has begun to make me physically sick - that's something that I've heard about, but never really experienced for myself. And it's kind of terrifying. Especially when you're not entirely sure what the thoughts you're having that are doing it are, and even if you did, you wouldn't know what thoughts to think to combat what's already in your head. It's a strange thought, this thought that I think.

This is, perhaps, something that everyone experiences on some level at one point or another. For me, however, this is very new. At least on a conscious level. Subconsciously, I have no doubt that it has been going on for my entire life. It would explain a few things. But now that I am aware of it, it seems as though these subconscious thoughts are multiplying in number - whether or not that's true or is just because they're now floating to a higher level of my brain I'm not sure. I'm a negative person, and I know that. I suffer from depression, and I have silently for a very long time. I'm pretty sure that depression is a lot deeper and more intense than standard evaluations will realize. But the thing is, it's hard to explain it, because I don't even entirely understand it myself.

It kind of makes me wonder if that's part of the reason I'm against some of the things that I am. I've always been against putting things in me that will affect my own control - medicine, alcohol, drugs, just about anything. And I almost wonder if that's because, on some level, I already feel like I have so little control. I don't want to forfeit what little is left to me. Left of me.

It's a weird feeling, to be thinking about your own thoughts. I wonder how many people have never had to experience it.