Need to fight

I've never quite been sure if it's just a part of my personality or if it's from the years of studying martial arts, but I find at times that my body yearns to be in a fight. It's this tautness that exists in the back of my shoulders, in my biceps, in my fingers. It wouldn't be enough to work on a punching bag, because my muscles aren't merely calling to hit something - they are calling to be hit as well. To feel impacts going both ways, to have to resist the force being made against them. I'm not sure what that says about me, and I'm not sure what brings on that need from time to time, but I can feel it distinctly, and there are very few people who seem to understand it when I explain it to them.

I would never initiate a fight with someone who was undesiring of it when this feeling comes, or someone who would actively try to hurt me. I probably would have when I was younger and had less self control - which is really saying something, considering how little I have today - but I know much better now. I don't want to get in an all out brawl, with someone who doesn't care about my well being. I don't want to go and just pick a fight. I want to spar with someone. Someone in control. Someone strong and fast and practiced. Someone who knows what they're doing. I miss that about martial arts - pitting yourself against someone and testing one another's defenses and limits, seeing what you can do to get around them while simultaneously keeping them from doing the same to you.

I haven't ever found anyone else who gets this kind of sensation. Granted, I don't bring it up very much, but every person that I have talked to about it seems surprised and confused when I try to explain it to them. Most of the people I talk to about it also aren't martial artists, however, which is why I'm never quite sure where it comes from. I wouldn't be surprised at either explanation. There are certainly plenty of other habits I have picked up from the years of martial arts - raising my hand to my chest in a defensive position during just about any action is one that comes to mind.

I really just have to wait it out when it happens. It can last anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours, completely at random. It will happen at work, in the car, at home, anywhere. I have tried exercising, shadowboxing, all kinds of things. Short of actually sparring, the feeling just doesn't go away.

But I suppose that's just part of who I am.