Free Write 6

I suffered a lot while I was in college, which I think is a sentiment that most people tend to disagree with. It wasn't that I was getting bullied, or was being overloaded with work. I just felt like this step in my life that I was taking - this step that everyone valued so heavily - was a step in the wrong direction. I didn't feel like college was going to help me accomplish any of my goals, and like I was just pushing my life off another few years by going to it. It made me depressed, which is probably a sentiment that came through in a lot of my writing while I was there. I was overjoyed the day that I left, which was not an easy decision to make, but it was a decision that I spent a lot of time mulling over, and I still do think about it frequently.

Getting a job after that felt like the right thing to do, and I maintain that it was. A year might not seem all that long to some people, but it's three times as long as it took me to realize that college was not the place for me, so the fact that I still think this way probably says something. But working has a lot of its own tension and problems, and lately I've been finding them a bit overwhelming. I think part of it is the kind of job I took, and especially the hours - I am not by any means a morning person, so the fact that I have to rise well before the sun is not my favorite. But working in retail can really grate on you after a while, and I'm starting to really feel that. I only planned to stay where I am for a year, and now that I'm getting somewhat close to that marker, I definitely intend to keep to it.

But the next step scares me a bit. I'm not entirely sure what I want to do with myself next. Honestly, the thing that seems most appealing to me is to go back to the "job" I had before this one - my dad had me working at his company, basically being the office bitch. And honestly? I miss that. I never thought I would, but I do. I felt like I was learning new things everyday, always having to learn new stuff about computer programs that some other people might take for granted. While I did have a certain amount of time limit, it was nothing compared to the limits I have to work with at my current job, and I almost always finished well in advance of those limits. I felt like I could work at my own pace. And sure, the fact that I ended up having a lot of free time was a bonus, but despite what you might think, that really isn't the part that I miss. In fact, during that free time I often wished that I had more work to do. I needed to take breaks from the work from time to time, just to let my eyes and back rest, but I did not need the sometimes hours of off time that I would end up with.

I think time really is the factor in all of the things that I deal with. It's what I think the most about. And I am by no means a good user of my time. I wouldn't be writing this as late as I am if I was. But it's the thing that worries me, and the thing that drives me.

I've got a lot of stuff coming up in my life, and it concerns me with my writing. I'm worried about how much time I will have. I really need sleep, and making time for that is hard, especially knowing how long it takes me to pass out. I can only hope that all the things I have to do will give me some much needed creative fuel. Because lord, have I been running low on that.