Free Write 2

I honestly didn't want to really do another one of these. In concept they're alright, but I don't know. It feels like a cop out. But truth be told, I'm running kind of low on creativity lately.

I've been focusing nearly all of my writing creativity on trying to write my novel for Nano. And I'm behind on that, and by a fairly substantial amount as well. It's incredibly frustrating. I feel constantly tired, and my story this year seems to be lacking flow. I cannot begin to describe how many times I have written what feels like the exact same dribble over and over. I know I've written over two thousand words, and that is a good deal of reading, but what I have been writing feels so compact. I'm not sure how to explain it. But everything so far has happened over the span of three days, and while I feel like an emphasis on the events that are taking place is necessary, I don't know it's as necessary as I have been writing it, if that makes any sense.

A part of me doesn't like how much Real Talk I've been writing on this blog during this month. But another part of me knows just how much fiction I have been writing outside of it, and tells me that I shouldn't feel bad about it. I think the conflict comes from the fact that, despite the fact I know almost no one reads my blog, I think of it as though I have an audience. And I wouldn't want to be throwing a bunch of boring rambles at an audience who is here to read fiction. It would be like J. K. Rowling releasing a series of shorts in the world of Harry Potter, but half of them are just autobiographical. I understand it's a wild and totally unrealistic comparison - it's just how it feels in my head.

Going back to the novel I've been working on, if it means anything to anyone, it's based on the story that Wings started, though in a slightly different vein. To tell the truth, other than that opening, I don't have a lot going for that story. But it's one that's been in my head for years, and that I've always wanted to write. When I wrote Wings on the blog, it was the first time I had felt satisfied that I could write this story.

Good lord, did I prove myself wrong.

But I still want to write it. I want to explore that world. There's just something about it that intrigues and mystifies me, and I can only hope beyond hope that I can instill that in a reader. So I'm going to make myself keep writing it, in much the same way as I make myself keep writing for the blog every day. I mean, that's half the reason I do this, as I've said before. Even if the story ends up being a heaping pile of shit, at least I'll be able to say that I've written it, and hopefully from there I'll be able to edit it until it becomes something actually worth reading.