Introversion

I'm a bit of an introvert, and when I say a bit, I mean that I'm extremely introverted. It's not overly hard to let people into my bubble, and I think on the outside a lot of people look at me and see a very extroverted person, but I'm not. I'm just good at acting like I am. There are other parts of being an introvert that hit me really hard - particularly, the idea that I have a currency to spend on social interaction.

If you've never heard of that, let me explain. Imagine you're walking into a store or arcade, and there are hundreds of things there that you want, and that you've heard so many good things about. I'll stick with an arcade, because I can explain it better. So there are tons of games, and you want to play them all, but as an introvert, you walk in with a handful of quarters, while the extrovert walks in with pockets overflowing. The extrovert can go to any game he wants, play as many rounds as he likes, and never feel stressed about if he wins or loses because he can just keep playing. But the introvert only gets so many chances. He can only play so many games, try so many times, and if he doesn't win, he feels like those quarters were wasted.

Some introverts walk in with a dozen or two quarters, can partner up with a friend, and take on their one game as they slowly get better on each visit until they're masters at their craft. I think that's what most people think of when they think of an introvert. I, on the other hand, walk in with like five quarters and a hundred games I want to play, with a dozen friends that each want to play different games, and a very strict time limit. It's incredibly stressful to me. I want to go, I want to play those games, and I want to play them with those people, but I can't get to everything I want. I just can't. Even just thinking about going and seeing all those options can be stressful, because I think about what I'm not going to be able to do.

Believe me, it's not something that I enjoy. I hate feeling so limited in what I can do, how far I can stretch myself out. But when I try to step over that boundary, I literally feel like I'm coming apart at the seams, like the air is being pulled from my lungs, and like my muscles are becoming heavy and unwieldy. I shrink further and further into myself, become quieter, and angrier. I don't want o be around anyone anymore. I want to tear a hole in the wall with my bare hands that I can climb out of and just run. Run away from the noise and the people and the stress that's eating away at me.

But the worst part? The worst part is that there is an extroverted part of me. And that when I keep staying away from these things that cause me pain, it just creates a different kind of pain, because I need to be with other people and to do things to some extent. I can't just stockpile my quarters until I can be one of the extroverts. If I don't spend them, I lose them. And when I lose to many, it hurts just as bad.