The fear of writing

I don't think it's any surprise to anyone who has read up to this point in my blog, but I want to be a writer. I want to be able to make a living off of my writing. Writing is the thing I love in life more than anything else. Being able to create worlds is what makes me happy. And there are thousands of people out there who know that feeling, who want that same thing. And in theory, we can all do it, because we all have an audience, and any one person in the world can love a dozen different authors at once.

But theory and practice are two very different things.

Not every writer is going to make it. It's unfortunate, and I wish that weren't the truth, but that's just how it's going to be. And every writer who hasn't already made it is deeply, deeply afraid of being just another number in the statistic of those who never make it.

Some of us place all are cards on the table, go all in, do or die. Some of us hedge our bets, try to play it safe, and either watch as the bets get higher and higher, and we either start to fall behind or pull ahead. But regardless of how you play, you still fear. You fear both not making it, and not trying. You don't know what will hurt more - trying to make it and failing, or giving up and doing something else.

I find myself in this position often. I don't know what the future holds for me. I see two pathways ahead of me, and they're both laced with unavoidable and hidden danger. I don't know which is safer, which will bring me happiness. I don't know where they will end. And I don't have time to weigh my options. I'm being pushed from all sides to make a choice.

I can't blame any of the forces that are pushing me. I hold no ill will towards any of them. How can I, when one of them is me? But that doesn't mean that they don't scare me at times, don't hurt me without meaning to.

I look around, to the past, present, and future, and I see so many people who have experienced the same thing. I look to those who made it, and I can't help but be filled with both hope and envy. If they made it, that means I can too, right? But look at them. They're so much better than I am. How am I supposed to get there? How could I?

I try to look forward with optimism. I tell everyone I come across that I'm going to be an author. I believe with every fiber of my being that that's what I want, that that's what I'm going to push for. But it's not easy. Neither making it, nor being optimistic.

If you're reading this, and you find yourself in a similar position to me - I don't have the answers for you. Even if I do make it, I won't be able to give you the answers that you need or look for. But I will say this. You're going to hurt. You're going to feel weak. You're going to be afraid. But for both of our sakes, keep pushing. If I make it, prove to me that you can too. And if I don't, prove that you're my better. Show the world that you mean business, that you can make your decisions and find a way to be happy even in the face of the deepest adversity. Because if we can't, then the pain wins. And no one should have to live like that.