And a very long while at that. I'm not going to pretend that this is some grand return for me - it's not. I don't know if this something that I will be upkeeping in any capacity for that matter. A lot has happened and changed since the last time that I wrote on here - some of it very good and some of it very bad - and amongst it all I've kind of lost my pension for writing. I think there's still something somewhere in me that yearns for it, but it has been quite a long time since it gave me the same kind of burning passion and energy that it once did. In a way, I think I've been scared of it for quite some time. That's not to say that I haven't tried to write - I still participate in Nano every year, although it has been a long time since I've won it. I make varying amounts of progress into it before I lose steam, and the frustration and anger start to settle in again and I fall off.
I don't remember how much I wrote about the struggles I was going through with writing towards the end of what my blog was before. I don't intend on going back and finding out. But it had long since stopped feeling fun or like a project I was working on, and had started to feel more like a job that I was putting on to myself and not getting anything out of. If you've never felt that way, you're a liar, but it doesn't feel good. And so I elected to stop. And, in doing so, I kind of let go of the last flickering light that writing had in me.
But that's not to say that the memory of it didn't stay with me. I still think about the things I have written and this blog from time to time, and a small piece in the back of my brain has always wanted to come back to it. But like I said. I've been afraid. Afraid of feeling that way about writing again, and giving up on it entirely. That's something I struggle with as a whole, but that is probably a story for another time, and a stronger me. Perhaps when I've found an answer for that I'll write about it.
I don't intend on telling anyone that I'm doing this again. Not yet, at least. So if you were one of the few people who did read these back in the day and you somehow are still notified about them in someway, I urge you not to expect much. I don't know if this is going to be something I do frequently. I don't know if I will write more fiction or real talks. I simply don't know what I have the capacity for when it comes to writing these days. And, realistically, now is probably not the best time to start messing around with this blog again. Like I said, I still do Nano, and it's right around the corner. But, among many other things, I have recently started trying to meditate, and as I was doing so tonight, this blog came to mind once more, and I sort of wrote a lot of this in my head as I was doing so.
I may not be very good at meditation. I'm still not quite sure what to make of it.
I hesitated, coming out of it, if I should follow through and write this. I don't know if doing this will help me or harm me in some way. But I decided I wanted to try, because it has been so long, and the only way to really find any kind of answer is to push forward. So, right here and right now, that's what I'm doing. I don't know if I'll be back again tomorrow to write, or the day after that, next week, next month, or ever again. But it's worth trying. And, if I'm being honest, I hope I will be. I don't know that I still want to be an author like I once did. But there was always a certain joy in getting words down on paper. A feeling of accomplishment when I hit publish, even though I knew virtually no one would ever see what I had written. I've felt that again in a lot of other areas since. And I'm hoping to feel it here again, too.
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