Desire

If it hasn't been apparent from some of the writings I've done recently, I've been dealing with depression as of late. And by dealing with it, I mean facing it head on after having it in my life for an excessively long time - I'm in a position where it's affecting me more than it has at other times, but I'm also actually attempting to take steps to do something about it. Unfortunately, that can be incredibly difficult to do, because one of the things that depression does is just sap you entirely of your desire and motivation to do anything, regardless of how much you love it. For me, writing is one of those things. I want to do it, I know I should be writing, but there are days with increasing frequency that I simply don't want to do any writing. And a lot of the time, on those days, like today, I write real talk posts.

It's not just writing, of course. I have a lot of things that I want to do, that I think about doing almost every day, but it can be hard to convince myself to actually do them. It can take a lot of effort just to get out of bed. Some things are easier to do - probably because I can combine them with other things that I do normally. That's part of why I've been enjoying the building stuff so much as of late - I have a need to do physical things and to create, but I'm very much a person who can lay around and watch youtube videos all day. The building allows me to kind of space out and do all of those at once. I listen to podcasts while slowly and methodically grinding away excess material, gluing things together and painting them over. Changing one shape into another. It's easier to do something productive when I can do it with some kind of noise in the background.

It just has to be something that I have the desire to listen to, but not necessarily watch. That's why the podcast works so well. There's nothing visual to it - I can do literally anything else as long as it's going. Most of the time I watch youtube videos, and there are a few that I can space out to, but for the most part I have a desire to actually watch them and pay attention to them. It makes it very easy to get distracted from other things that I should be doing while watching them.

And of course there's also the problem that part of what I desire is to lay around and play video games. And that's not always a bad thing, because we all need to wind down some times. But I think that's part of my problem - I'm always wound up. I can wind down during something, like gaming or building, but as soon as that something ends I immediately wind back up. And it's not intentional - I would never choose to be like that. But I am. And it's hard to desire to do something I know will wind me up when I already am.