Teaching

I'll admit right off the bat that this post is more of me trying to think some things through, that really has nothing to do with writing. It probably won't even have any kind of satisfactory conclusion. I am literally just trying to think through some thoughts I've been having, and want to write it down to have it more as physical evidence I can look back on. I'm putting it on here moreso because I feel like it's something that can benefit from being in public than anything else. So if that's not something you want to read, than by all means, come back tomorrow.

Alongside being a writer, a long time ago I decided that I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up as well. More than anything, this was mostly so that I would have a source of income up until the point that I could make a living off of my books. I'm not entirely sure why I decided in the first place that a teacher was the way to go - I remember that it was on a hike with my Dad, and he convinced me off it, but I don't remember how, because I have always hated school. Even when I was very young, I didn't enjoy being in school - being told how and what I should learn has always been a turn off for me.

But as I grew older, and I became involved in a myriad of activities, I found myself frequently in the teaching position. Especially between boy scouts and martial arts, I was constantly around younger and less experienced people, and I found that I was always willing to lend a hand, even going so far as to holding myself back with them much longer than I should have to try and help them understand. I learned that I enjoyed being around kids, and showing them new things, and I loved the satisfaction of seeing those kids running off to their parents to tell them about what they had learned.

And yet, there was a complete disconnect between that and school. I never saw those kinds of feelings in my teachers. They seemed like, if they enjoyed anything, it was being in a position of power over us. Telling us how to think, how we should be reading or understanding things. I never saw any teachers who seemed to enjoy actually teaching.

Except for my sixth grade teacher, who was long before I had made this decision. He was my favorite teacher I ever had. He was fun, he did things differently, and he looked so happy when students were asking questions and actually learning things. I felt like he was legitimately one of my friends.

I imagine he was who I was thinking of when I agreed to setting myself towards being a teacher. I've argued with myself about that decision a lot since then, but whenever I think it's what I should do, he's who I'm thinking of. About a year ago now, he passed away. It turned out even when he was teaching me, he was suffering from cancer. He was lucky to live as long as he did. It had been years since I'd last talked to him, but I was crushed when I learned about his death. Shortly before that, I had withdrawn from college because I just couldn't stand it anymore.

I was thinking today about how many people I let down with that decision. I stand by it - I would not have done well had I continued in school. If I had taken a break before college, maybe I would have done better. But as I stood, I'm not sure I would have even stayed alive - but that's a different story.

But as I was thinking about it, I thought about how disappointed my sixth grade teacher would have been. He had seen great things ahead for me, and I had let him down in that action. I had questioned following in his footsteps, when he was the one who had inspired me in the first place.

So I want to change that now. I want to continue what he can not, because he was there to lead me at a point in my life where my life's path really began to change and form itself in ways I had never experienced before. If I can be there for others as they go through that same experience... Well, maybe I can make up for my failures.