Free Write 3

It's December, and with that a lot of things can go very wrong or very right. On the one hand, December last year is when I started this blog. I was setting goals and getting started on them early with the hopes that I would be able to make habits before I was committing myself to them. I suppose it worked out, since I'm still here now. On the other hand, this December is a mish mash of things all coming together at once, and while I'm not falling apart, I'm not doing as well with them as I would like to be doing. Of course, that's pretty much my fault, for picking things that I want to be doing that don't really go together all that well.

I haven't done much writing on my novel since the end of November. I'm a little torn on it. On the one hand, it sort of has an ending. It's not the ending I was planning on, but it can be seen as an ending. It could lead into having a sequel the way that it's written now. But I'm not really sure that that's how I want it to be. For one, it's only fifty thousand words, which is less of a novel and more of a novella, but that's just getting into semantics. Suffice to say that, for a book, that's pretty short. But the way I left it off makes it kind of hard to keep going in the context of a single book.

There are a lot of video games that are coming out that I'm really excited for, and some that I want to play other games before they come out for one reason or another. But for someone like me, who loves stories and consequently loves RPGs, that's a lot of time. Even a short RPG is usually around thirty hours long, and I have a habit of picking the longer ones. Plus I like to grind, and make my characters overpowered, and I hardly ever want to finish a game without having completed all of the side objectives and beaten all of the extra bosses. I mean, if you're going to sink that much time into a world, you might as well see everything it has to offer, right?

But I also want to get back to exercising. I keep telling myself that that's something I need to do, and looking in the mirror every day and seeing what my body has become is frustrating. Sure, for most it would be more than acceptable, and physically speaking, I'm a lot more capable than a lot of other people. But it's not enough for me. I want to be everything that I am capable of being, and I'm not, and I know that because I have been more in the past. But it's just so difficult when exercise is less than thrilling, and I'm already exhausted when I get home from work, and I certainly don't want to be getting up any earlier in the morning than I already am.

Add on to all of that an assortment of other things that I've been wanting to get myself to do or get back to doing for ages, and it's just hard to choose what to do and when to do it. Especially when all I ever really want to do is be lazy. And I hate that that's true, but it is. Why choose to do something when you can choose to do nothing and feel just as good in that moment? Sure, you may not feel as good in the long run, but in that moment it hardly makes a difference. In fact, doing nothing usually feels better, because you're not making yourself more tired than you already are.

I suppose it comes down to me being bad at task management, which I'd like to say is something that I'm working on, but if results are to speak by, clearly I'm not. Motivation is something that I am severely lacking in. And sooner or later I'm gonna have to figure that out. Hopefully sooner.