Terror

It was a day no different than any other. Just taking a drive down to work, taking the freeway, dealing with traffic, listening to the radio. Everything was as it should be. But just because something is supposed to be a certain way doesn't necessarily mean that it is, or that it will be. After all, you never know what people are gonna do, and you never know how you're gonna react.

For me, it was just a stoplight. Just a flash of red, with a car coming up a bit too fast behind me. A vision in my head of what could have been. Phantom pain that never was, never would be, but for that split second felt so real I could have sworn it was. The thought of the messages that would have to be delivered. Telling the people I love and care about that I was no longer there. 

And as soon as that thought hit, of the pain and sorrow that would be on their face, I could feel my heart breaking. Being shattered, torn out of my chest, thrown to the ground and stomped into the dust. Searing heat torched my face, and tears welled in my eyes. For a second I couldn't see the road in front of me. That didn't help. 

I tried to push it down, to quell the pain and fear inside me, to regain control of myself before the light turned green. I had thought I was over that, but for that moment it was back in full force. I couldn't get those thoughts out of my head. The people that I would hurt. The things that I would miss. The steering wheel under my hands felt like it was going to betray me. To move on its own as soon as I hit the gas, to turn in dangerous ways that would not end in my living.

When the light did turn, I pushed forward, despite the pain. Perhaps a bit slow, but I did. Somehow, though it was still there, I was able to keep it under wraps just enough that I could reach the next light. There I knew it would stay red longer, and I would have time. I cranked up the music, flipping to something happier and brighter. I took deep breaths. I tried to remember that I was still alive.

I knew this was irrational. That I couldn't let it control me. I had survived the terror that had so wholly overcome me, and I could not succumb to it again, under any circumstances. I had promised not only myself that, but so many other people. I couldn't fail them. To fail them was more terrifying than any other thought.

By the time the second light had turned green, it was gone. It had left my brain and my heart. I was calm again. Happy, even. It was nearly a far off memory. But it lingered in the back of my mind, a reminder that it wasn't gone. Not entirely at least. It could resurface at any time, take me harder than I could imagine. It would take more work to conquer that terror.

I wasn't sure I wanted to have to face that. But maybe not wanting to have to face it was the way to motivate myself to crush it.