Pride

I think a lot of writers, and especially younger and less experienced ones, take a lot of pride in their work. I know I've been like that for a long time. It's hard not to be, after all, when the stories you write are quite literally an extension and presentation of yourself. It makes it difficult to be told that something about your writing isn't good, or could be better, or shouldn't necessarily be a part of what you are presenting. I've talked a decent amount about the things that I would like to happen with this blog, particularly receiving feedback on my writing, but I'm not going to pretend that receiving that feedback would be particularly interesting. No one intends to, but being told that your writing isn't very good feels like an attack on your person.

I'd like to think that I've grown past that feeling, that I can take that criticism and work on improving my writing, but truth be told, I'm probably not. Not entirely, at least. I think I've gotten better, but it's also been a while since someone's given me some full on criticism. And I know that I have a tendency to try and defend myself and my actions. I suppose that's not necessarily a bad thing, but even if I had reasons behind what I was doing, that doesn't mean that the criticism isn't coming from somewhere. If a person reads my writing and it doesn't sit well with them, there has to be a reason for that. And even if that reason is small and insignificant, that is a potential change that I could be considering.

I think, for me, these blog posts are a good spot for me to try and set my pride aside. These are incredibly rough drafts. Things I sit down and pound out so that I can get an idea down before it escapes me. There are posts that I hate, and posts that I love. Having them out in tandem has helped me to see that I am not infallible. It's not that I necessarily or consciously thought that in the past, but it's a reminder that I am what I am, and not more, or at least not yet.

It's hard to face that. Admitting that you are prideful and should not be is a daunting task. I can say that all I want, but internalizing it is hard to accomplish. To admit that the way I write is not the best way, even for me, and that I still have a lot to learn. I can say it again and again, but until I start thinking it every single time I sit down, I haven't gotten past the pride.

And there is a certain kind of pride that I should not be holding on to. I am proud of the fact that I am an author. I am proud of this blog, and the fact that I have managed to sit myself down and write nearly every day. I am proud of the fact that I am trying to be a better writer. And I am proud that I have written things that exist.

I should not, however, be proud of the thought of being an author. I should not be proud that I have a goal of writing a book. Because these are not quantifiable. These are not things that I can point to and people can see. But those are the things that are easy to be prideful of. They can't be pointed at and shown as being bad. You can't tell me that the book I am going to write is going to be bad, because you don't know anything about it yet. And I can't either, so I can't be ashamed of it.

But I can, and should, be ashamed of the fact that it does not yet exist. I should be ashamed that I can't yet show the fruits of my labor.

These are things that I have been thinking more and more about. And I should be. Because these are the things that are really going to push me forward, to make me try and do new things, and find new grounds upon which I can stand. And these things may not work for anyone else, and they may not even work for me, but the more I think about them, the closer I'm going to get to the truth on the matter. Just like the more I work on a book, the closer I get to finishing it.