First kiss

It had been a long night at the end of a long day, following a long week that had come at the end of a long month. I didn't know how long we had been standing there out in the cold under the moonlight, arms wrapped around each other, and I highly doubt she did either. It seemed like an eternity, yet at the same time, it felt as though no time had passed at all. We had talked about so many things, but looking back, I don't remember any of them. I don't think we could have even recalled them at the time. In some ways the things we had talked about were important, I'm sure. But at the same time, I'm sure they hardly mattered. A lot of things that night carried that feeling of inherent contradiction.

As the night had progressed and he air grew colder, we both moved closer together. It was hard to say if it was truly because of the cold, or just a desire to be closer to one another. Even at that time, it was no secret the feelings that we held for each other. But many things had happened, and neither of us wanted to rush in to anything. We had both experienced pain only recently, and though we felt that we could help each other, we didn't want to risk making decisions that hadn't been thought through. Less than a month prior if you had told us that we would be there that night as we were, neither of us would have believed it. But there we were.

As the night dragged on, it became more and more apparent that we would need to pull apart. But neither of us wanted to. By that time, we had already become so close, both emotionally and physically. I remember resting my forehead against hers, our noses touching, as we stood in silence, just looking into one another's eyes. I remember wanting so badly to close that small gap between us, to press my lips against hers, to kiss her. But I also remember being afraid. I didn't want to mess that up. I had never kissed anyone before, and she had, so she must have some kind of expectations, some idea of how it was supposed to go, and how it was supposed to feel, and I had nothing.

But I couldn't get the thought out of my mind. I wanted to do it. I wanted to kiss her so badly. And that's when I heard her say it.

"Are you going to kiss me?" she asked me quietly.

I looked up into her eyes. I didn't even realize that my eyes had drifted down to her lips. She smiled gently at me, and I could see in her eyes that she was ok with the thought. I don't know why I had doubted that she would be. But I couldn't shake the fear that I would somehow do it wrong. "I want to," I whispered back to her. I could feel my voice shaking slightly as I spoke, and I tried not to let it out. "But I'm worried I'll do it wrong."

She smiled again, and then she slowly pushed forward and kissed me. The feeling was inexplicable. Her lips were smooth and soft, and as they touched mine it was like a wave of warmth washed through me. My fingers clenched around her back, pulling her ever so slightly closer to me, and I kissed her back. It was like nothing I had ever experienced before, and I do not know if I will ever have the words with which to explain it.

It lasted only for a moment. She pulled back away from me, ever so slight a blush on her face, and I realized that my eyes had instinctually closed as I opened them to look at her. So lost in what had happened, the words we may have exchanged in that brief moment did not fully register. All I remember is pulling her back in to kiss her again.