I have been writing for practically my entire life. When I was in second grade, I wrote my first story, at least as far as I can remember. I still remember it, though I don't think I still have any records of its existence, and looking back on it I recognize what it was.
The title was "The power of the balls." You can probably guess at the quality.
But I was proud of it at the time. It was mine, and it was the first time I had ever really created something of any form, and it felt like I had actually accomplished something. A year later I was introduced to the concept of writing stories in school, and I thought "Oh my god, this is a real thing. I've done this. This is something I can do." We wrote about once a month, I believe, and those were the days that I thrived. I don't think there were any students who finished as many stories as I did, and I had some of the longest.
I was also in third grade. So what was long then was probably comparable to these short pieces I write on a daily basis for practice today. And I hardly knew what I was doing, so I was able to cram a lot of information in them, but without any tangible content.
Ever since then I have thought of myself as an author. Ever since then I have had people look at my writing and tell me either one of two things: "This is great" or "This sucks." Never anything more, at least as far as I can recall. I have never felt that anyone has ever said anything constructive to me. And as I think back on these five months of writing that I have done, I really wish someone would.
When I started this blog, I had hoped that people would say something about my writing. I try not to ask the few people who I know read it for feedback, because I don't want to come off as begging for attention or some such. Hell, even just a "I liked this one" or an "I didn't like this one." But it hasn't happened, and I understand why. You don't want to crush the person you're reading by saying something they don't want to hear. I get that. I really do. But I disagree.
These aren't things that have been confined to writing for me. My entire life has been full of "Wow, that's cool, you're so lucky" so on and so forth. I know it's a whiny thing to say, but I get tired of it. I get tired of hearing about how good I do on things, because that is all I ever hear. I never get people who are willing to say things that will help me, even if they hurt me in the process. Or at least, I don't feel like I do.
Looking back on the things that I have written on this blog, I don't feel like I have grown as a writer. In some ways, I feel that I have regressed. I try to write for myself, and that's a good thing. I don't necessarily want to be a smart writer. I want to be an entertaining author. I want people to read the things that I write and feel as though it has made them happy in some way. But that still requires being a good writer. I can't bring a smile to people's faces if they don't feel that there is any substance to my writings, and that is how I have felt about what I've written as of late. It's probably part of why I haven't been writing as many fictions lately.
The problem is that I don't know how to change that. When all you ever hear is "this is good," you start to feel like you don't have to push yourself to get any better. That's not to say you can't say something is good. But you should explain. "This is good because..." or "This is good, but..." These are constructive criticisms, something that I haven't felt like I've gotten in a long time.
I don't intend on stopping writing any time soon. Even if this pattern continues, I will not stop, because I know that even if it doesn't seem like, somewhere deep inside I am learning, even if it is abysmally slow. If you're reading this, don't feel like you should be pressured to leave a comment, here or anywhere on my blog.
But you also shouldn't feel that just because a piece of writing has come and gone doesn't mean that it's not worth commenting on. If you have something you want to say, please, say it. If you come back to a story a year or five after it is written, and there is something about it that you want to say, please, say it. Don't be afraid of hurting my feelings. In martial arts, one thing I learned was that to get stronger, you must first break down the muscles and bones so that they might heal back, thicker and stronger than ever before. I need to be a stronger writer. I can feel it in my bones. So first, somehow, I need to be broken. Even if it takes a dozen tries to break me, if that is what it takes, I will do it. And if you are willing to help me, than I encourage you from the depths of my soul to do so.
I've said before that these are rough drafts. And that is true, and will likely always be true. But I have also said that I am a terrible editor. So do not feel that you need to hold back because of that.
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