Break

I think about taking a break from doing the blog a lot, and I've talked about why I don't several times in the past, which for the most part is still the truth as to why i don't. I don't want a break to extend to a point to where I'm just not doing this anymore. My writing is important to me, and while it may be slow, I feel as though it is in fact helping my writing. Even in a span of about eight months - which may seem like a long time, but in terms of a life time of writing is not bad - I have noticed a notable difference in my writing, which is good to know that on some level I am progressing.

Today was the first time in a while that I seriously considered taking a break, however. Like I said, I think about it a lot, but it's usually just a "Man, this is such a time sink" before I move ahead and do it. But today, life decided to kick me in the nuts, and I'm kind of having to figure it out in a very short amount of time. If you didn't notice, the Sickness post I made a few days ago was non-fiction, meaning that that was a real thing happening in my life. Today, I learned that my mom has asked to be let off of the machines that are keeping her alive, and to just let her die. That was after an absolutely awful day at work which is going to lead to a horrendous week of work, and that was after a pretty crappy night of sleep and uncomfortable dreams. Life decided to take the not so great, pile some bad on it, and then top it off with some really terrible.

I concede that I have been a pretty shit son to my mother throughout my life, and the last few times in particular. I've been very irate about the way she treats me, and the way she acts with the people around her, and her general distaste for doing the things that would actually help her improve. Her involvement with my grandmother has not helped either, who seems to believe that she knows health better than doctors, and generally tries to tell me not to do or enjoy the things that I do. But that's probably not a good excuse for how much I have actively tried to avoid and ignore her.

But I still didn't expect the news to hit me as hard as it has. I feel like shit, I've been crying a lot, and while I do believe that her going off the machines and ending her suffering of the last sixteen years is the right decision, it's a weird and upsetting feeling to know that your mother is dying, especially when you're still young. To know that the person you owe your life to won't get to see so many of the things that you still haven't gotten to do. That she will miss out on your marriage, your graduation from college, your finding a life job, your kids. Sure, she may not have been that involved with any of it. But light involvement is a whole lot different from missing out.

I don't know that I'll be writing over the next couple days. I'd love to say I will be, that I'll keep doing it because it's something I know she would have wanted me to do, but this has been one hell of a day that will rock me for a while, and it feels like it's only just started. So we'll see.