This is a post I meant to write, like... I dunno. A month and a half ago now? Something like that. Which, very quickly, is pretty much why for a very long time I didn't want to take a break from my writing. Every day that went by without me writing was another day that I either didn't feel like writing, or I would just forget about it entirely. I can't tell you how many times over the past few weeks these words have passed through my mind while I was away from a computer I could use to write them, and by the time I sat down at one I had already forgotten about them.
I'm sure that if you're reading this you're well aware of who I am, what my problems are, and why I took the break that I did. However, to be perfectly honest, I like to imagine that one day I'll actually be a writer and this will still be out there and I'll still be practicing my writing on here, and people will be able to look through all of my musings and see how my writing evolved over the years - maybe even see that to be an author you don't have to start with great skill. That's a fantasy of mine, but I like to write with it in mind. So let me take a moment to explain myself.
In January, I was diagnosed with major depression - a problem that, realistically, I had knowingly been dealing with for eleven years. At the same time, my girlfriend of nearly five years dumped me, which certainly did not help my condition. I've heard lots of stories of people who were diagnosed with depression, ADD, OCD, or a number of other mental and health problems whose condition improved once they knew what they were dealing with. For me, the opposite happened. As the diagnosis was given, I started seeing doctors and therapists and psychologists, I started taking medication... Things got worse. Aspects of my life have certainly gotten better, and I can't deny that. I've found new things to be passionate about, I've become calmer about things I was very strict about in the past, and I have actively started to try and understand myself better. But the dips from calm into depression have become more frequent, my sleep has gotten considerably worse (which is impressive, all things considered), my energy has dropped to all time lows, and things that I used to be able to do without problem have become daily struggles.
Writing is one of those things. Trying to write this blog became a slog. It became stressful every day, knowing that I had to write and that I had not written and that I had no idea what to write about. So I took a step back. Considerably longer than I wanted to. Even after I had made a plan for how I wanted to come back and redo things, even after some of the yearning for my writing had returned, even after I had gained a number of story ideas, I stayed away from it. Partially because I was afraid of it. I don't want writing to be stressful for me. That defeats the purpose of it. And partially because what I want my life to be has become very muddled for me.
So here's my plan. I don't know that I want to return to daily writing. That's been extremely stressful for me over the past few years. But I don't want to have these massive stops, either. I'll have to figure out the frequency thing as I go, I think. But I'm going to stop worrying about how long my writing is. I don't want it to be like a couple sentences, obviously, but if I can manage even just two decent paragraphs, I don't plan on worrying about it. And I'm probably going to write considerably less fiction. I'll still write it without a doubt, because that's what I love and like I said, I have new ideas. But I'm going to write more about the things that I've been dealing with, the things I want to build and create with my new passions in wood and metal, and probably a good amount of gushing about video games because I'm a giant nerd.
Ironically, this is the longest blog post I've made in a very long time. Hopefully that's a good sign. But I guess we'll see how it goes from here on out.
